Greetings Everyone!
Every week a group of us provides a story, poem or an excerpt up to 400 words on a chosen theme. Do click on the badge to read the awesome work from some amazing Romance bods. Do come and join us if you enjoy writing in the romance genre.
This week's theme is I Remember
“Hi.”
“Hi.”
He held the door for me and I felt the faintest brush from his hand in the small of my back.
“You look....” We laughed together, embarrassed.
“Great”
“Lovely.”
The table was close to the fireplace, an ancient structure of misshapen stones surrounding a cavern. Vibrant flowers in a copper pot filled the space. I smiled as the waiter fluttered the damask napkin over my lap. My lips quivered, the muscles of my mouth betraying.
“I haven't been here since..”
“Neither have I.”
I watched as he stroked the side of his wine glass. The tattoo on his thumb, which mirrored the one on my ankle, had lost it's vibrancy. Our symbol now a bruise, a shadow.
Two embossed leather binders shut off our view of one another. The mass of culinary information, like a thesis! Which one of us had said that? Then the sleek red-covered one, for the wine. We would have the Chianti, we always did. Meat, fish or pasta, it was forever the Chianti. His hand hovered over the book before looking up at me. Of course. He smiled.
His eyes were brown but held a richness like a chestnut, as if another element had been added. At times they looked pale; chocolate and smoke. Kind. His hair only reached his shoulders now, not the middle of his back. Silver threads enhanced rather than aged. Was it contrived abandon? Probably not. Vanity wasn't a vice he recognised.
He reached across the table and took my hand and I squeezed his in return. I saw his gaze fall on my ringless fingers then swiftly move to my face. My soul. I held my breath, anticipating the ache in my heart, or was it simply the memory of expectation? Dull, dampness of pain had gripped my being for so long, a grim companion by my side.
“Today....it would have been today.”
“I know, I..”
“Me too.”
(330 words)
Have a fabulous Friday x
Margo...you're killing me!
ReplyDeleteThe sadness here is almost to much to bear.
I sense an attraction & longing...still.
I especially like how you described his hair..."Silver threads enhanced rather than aged"...nice!
Questions are abound in my mind...were they engaged, married, divorced, lose a child...pray do tell!
I'm hanging onto every word...expecting there will be more to come...maybe?
Thank you for a fantastic read.
Well done Margo. The end tells us enough that we can fill in the blanks with whatever idea we have. Like Andy, I want to know more.
ReplyDeleteNancy
N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium
Oh Margo that was incredible. The detail, little touches to add flavour, the fact that the I was them both. Excellent! :O)
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this, Margo - it's all those little observations that make it seem so real. Fantastic!
ReplyDeleteIts a poignant piece, with lots of heart ache. Thanks for this wonderful post.
ReplyDeleteSo much left unsaid. The longing for a yesterday of love and possibilities. You did a wonderful job here, Roland
ReplyDeleteThis is fabulous, Margo. Poignant, hinting at a very rich past. Leaves me wondering what possibly could have come between them.
ReplyDeleteOooh, goodness that was heart wrenching!
ReplyDeleteI love the little descriptions throughout the piece; it's such a sad scene. I can't help but wonder what happened before!
ReplyDeleteGreat piece :) Fave bit was the detail about the tattoos, now bruises...says so much.
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteI just want to read on! That's the important element: reader lure. Such sadness here and longing for something lost/abandoned! Nice piece.
best
F
Thank you everyone! Your comments and observations mean so much. I can't tell you how I struggled with this piece.
ReplyDeleteSome writers make 1st person look easy (I'm looking at you, Roland!) but I enjoyed the challenge even though I'm not sure I could keep it up for a whole book!
Thanks again for dropping in.
What a totally romantic lovely scene!!! Loved it!! thank you! take care
ReplyDeletex
oh, I love the little details. They brought the scene alive.
ReplyDeleteI really like the start. "Hi." twice. Sets the sense that there are two characters, but doesn't give a clue yet who they are. You cleverly built the characters and the setting, little by little. Very subtle; drawing the reader in to figure out who is who; who has the most to impart to the reader.
ReplyDeleteRight off the bat, the reader has to trust the author to lead them into the story. A fabulous technique. The unknown voice instantly draws me in.
"I watched as he stroked the side of his wine glass." This threw me out of the story. "I watched" did it. If you proceed with this, I personalizing the bit about the tatoo: He stroked the side of his wine glass, the (define it) tattoo on his thumb as faded as the twin on my ankle. ("I watched as" objectifies the scene.)
Menues instead of "binders" to assist in setting.
I love the reunion theme you have created here. It is palpable. Phrases like "our symbol, now a bruise" and "We would have the Chianti, we always did"set the emotional tone.
Very well done Margo. I wanted to curl up next to the fire with my wine glass in hand and listen to the story of their break up.
Those first two disembodies "His" really did the trick for me. The 1st POV did not overwhelm the second character. Not an easy feat with this POV.
.....dhole
Oh my!
ReplyDeleteI don't read romance (unless you count my guilty pleasure from way back in my teens) but I'm slowly being drawn in each Friday - and this one is just heavenly.
"Chocolate and smoke". Divine.
Margo! Can you just see yourself growning into this Friday world of flash fiction. It is honing your writing skills and you're really as Francine said, getting the 'reader lure' which is the key to good flash fiction. I often like to pick a sentence/phrase that really did it for me description wise, but today I see just too much, although the thumb on the wineglass is sticking in my head. Love it, love the whole piece. Genius.
ReplyDeleteDenise<3
Intriguing. I want to know all the reasons why these two didn't make that commitment those years ago. The observations she made are true to life. Just the sort of stuff you'd note about that special someone from the past.
ReplyDeleteGracious, such delicious details! You told so much in those subtle gestures.
ReplyDeleteVery nice. I definitely get the this-is-between-old-lovers feel and maybe I'm not supposed to "get it" all.
ReplyDelete~MsQ
I really appreciate all your comments and observations, thank you....sooo kind!
ReplyDeleteDonna - Thank you for taking the time over my piece. Yes, "I watched" is weak, isn't it? If you knew how I agonised over the 'Chianti' line....so glad it worked!
I'm learning so much from RFW - we're all so different. I think it's fabulous to read so many sides to a genre that atrracts a fair amount of stick. Go RFWs!
Hi Margo,
ReplyDeleteVery nicely done. I think something sad happened here before?
Margo,
ReplyDeleteYour last two long paragraphs are amazing! FANTASTIC description. Sensitive and heartfelt. WELL DONE!
Margo, that was stunning. The emotions of both characters were palpable and raw, and you have left me aching for more.
ReplyDeleteEllie Garratt
Beautiful. You could feel the emotion with these words. Less is more and you definitely showed that with this excerpt!
ReplyDeleteKnow what? I feel a sense of sadness at what could have been - but, hey, that's the sign of a great read. I really, really liked how you described the hair - and the wine glass...those little details painted an emotional picture.
ReplyDeleteTime got away from me, and I didn't get to enter this week, but I'm enjoying what others wrote.